Featured

Will You Listen?

When a mother loses her only son, will you turn away from me and run?

Will the reality of how it happened make you uneasy?

I was promised he would be safe if I just listened to how things needed to be.

Did you stop to listen when we asked if 9 vaccines were safe, did you care to see?

He has allergies they confessed, dark circles are the reality of this.

You cannot say he died from this because a month did progress.

He had the strength of 15 men, he was fierce and strong, and relentless.

 

How did his strength and joy diminish, was it his time to relinquish?

How does a boy regress so quickly when all he did was love completely?

So tell me now that the shots you gave him, did not end a life so shortly antiquated.

I try and make sense of the story you gave me, that every child fits so perfectly into a mold of a schedule not tested, you took his life, you took our future.

Nobody is held accountable and I am left alone in this life so insurmountable.

You could have done them one at a time, instead, you killed him in his prime.

I’ll never see my son grow up, you took my love and life from me.

So stop and think next time they say that every child is built the same way.

 

 

 

Featured

“Thanks” and “Giving” Can Never Go Together Again

There might come a Thanksgiving where I can be thankful again, but this year I can’t put the words together, just know that I am trying. 

ddccee1ecee692f211eae1b6c865ab50--miss-you-dad-mom-and-dad

In a couple days we will sit down with our friends and families and spend hours preparing for a meal that only lasts 30 minutes. For some of us, we are preparing for a day that we are asked to feel thankful, but all we can feel is numb.

For a grieving parent a holiday is a preparation of emotions and trying to decide how emotionally stable we think we are going to be that day. We try to avoid certain triggers that will cause us to cry in a crowded room and we stow away to the restroom when the air gets too thick. It is a preemptive decision to dive into an occasion where we are reminded that our child is not with us, but should be.

This is my first “Thanks” “Giving” without Johnathan. I’m not really sure if I can be thankful this year because for me it’s the taking that took place and not the giving. I feel selfish when I find myself at a social gathering because while I try to smile, I die inside. I can engage in conversation, but my mind is always traveling to one location-back to a time and place when my son was here.

In my mind, I laugh at the amount of food on the table that I know my son would never eat. He would stick his tongue out at the turkey, pick at the stuffing, and take a stab at the cranberry because it’s sweet-tasting. He would walk away dissatisfied while expressing his disgust at all food Thanksgiving. It was only when the desserts came out that Johnathan expressed an interest in sitting at the table.  I will peer across the table this Thursday searching for that face and come up empty as I search to define why I am thankful.

How do we prepare ourselves for anything anymore? Is it wise to just avoid everything or rather should we embrace the future and pretend in our minds that somehow our child is there with us in spirit? Both of these choices sound bleak and disheartening, but I push forward carrying nothing but my memories of a boy who will always be 4.

So if you find yourself sitting at the dinner table this Thanksgiving with someone who has lost their child please mention their child’s name. Share with them a memory of their child that will help them make it through the upcoming holidays. The worst pain a grieving parent can feel has already happened, but after that, it’s the not mentioning that continues to fester the wound.

There might come a Thanksgiving where I can be thankful again, but this year I can’t put the words together, just know that I am trying.

Featured

What to Expect When You’re Expecting AND Vaccines

Protect yourself and your growing baby, avoid vaccinations during pregnancy.

Pregnancy DiabetesI remember when I became pregnant I read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” This book had many useful tips on the changes your body will go through, cravings, week-by-week growth, and one page on vaccinations. Of course, this book took the approach that vaccines for a pregnant woman and her growing baby are safe and effective. It does say that live viruses are not good for a pregnant woman, but that the Tdap, flu, and Hep-B are perfectly safe. The same goes for the Center for Disease Control (CDC) which states “The CDC wants you to know that vaccines are an important part of a healthy pregnancy. Certain diseases can be very serious for you and your developing baby during your pregnancy. Getting vaccines during your pregnancy can help protect you both and provide your newborn with some early disease protection.”(https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/pregnancy/downloads/what-to-expect.pdf)

A recent study was featured on The Today Show headed by Dr. James Donahue an epidemiologist at the Marshfield Clinic in Wisconsin. Note this study was also funded by the CDC. It studied pregnant women who received the flu shot in combination with the H1N1 vaccine over the 2010-12 flu season. Results showed that 485 women had spontaneous miscarriages 1-28 days following that combination. “The overall aOR in the 28-day window was 2.0, or double the risk, but those findings, in contrast to the H1N1 subset, were not statistically significant. There was no association seen in any other exposure window.” They have decided to continue vaccinating pregnant women even after the evidence was profound that these vaccines caused “Double The Risk” of miscarriage and stillbirth. The CDC has decided to disregard the findings of this study and continue to administer the flu shot to pregnant women. The study is ongoing, however, it’s initial findings are evident, yet the CDC vaccinates.

My question to the CDC is why are you not holding off on killing children so that you can do further research on the connection between vaccines and pregnant women? Any other medication goes through strenuous testing and research trials, but vaccines have never been tested in combination with each other, nor has the entire vaccine schedule been tested as a whole. Why do scientists, health officials, and drug companies spend so much more on research regarding Viagara than it does on testing vaccines that are injected into pregnant women and children?

2017-10-23_0516In September 2012 Dr. Gary Goldman released a study in the Human and Environmental Toxicology Journal (HET) “Reporting a 4,250 percent increase in the number of miscarriages and stillbirths reported to Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS) in the 2009/2010 flu season. For those not familiar with VAERS, this is a database setup for physicians and patients to report vaccine-related death and injuries. However, this data has to be skewed because only 10% of vaccine-related injury and fatalities are reported to VAERS, so the number should be higher.

If the CDC will not hold-off on vaccinating pregnant women until they complete their research, then we are all truly test subjects awaiting their results. We have not voluntarily signed up for this research and women should be appalled they are used in this manner. My advice to pregnant women is not to get vaccinated during pregnancy until the CDC can complete their studies and research and provide a definitive outcome. Don’t let your unborn baby be a statistic. If you want to improve your pregnancy, do so with diet, exercise, and avoidance of environmental toxins. Don’t let anyone else determine what is safe and effective for your baby when they haven’t even completed the research to be able to make that statement.

Resources:

Goldman, G. (2013). Comparison of VAERS fetal-loss reports during three consecutive influenza seasons: Was there a synergistic fetal toxicity associated with the two-vaccine 2009/2010 season? Human & Experimental Toxicology32(5), 464–475. http://doi.org/10.1177/0960327112455067

 

 

 

 

 

 

Featured

I’ll Save You

IMG_2963

I’ve been having very vibrant dreams lately. They are filled with worry and they have one unifying theme…I am trying to save Johnathan.

I would always tell Johnathan that nothing bad could happen to him because mama would never let it. I would become this strong and fearless supermom if harm ever came his way. When people laughed at his helmet, I stared them down. When the first pediatric neurosurgeon wanted to cut his skull from ear-to-ear, I got a second opinion. When people stopped and stared when his behavior wasn’t “normal” I would hold him in my arms and tell him over and over how much I love him.

I never thought that doing the right thing could harm my son. I had always believed in the power of modern medicine and the benefits of vaccinations. Johnathan had every shot the CDC schedule recommended. I was listening to his doctors and adhering to the belief that they knew what was best for him.

On January 16, 2017, Johnathan went to his 4-year “wellness” visit where he received 9 vaccines at one time. On February 25, 2017, Johnathan suffered a Grand mal seizure and never woke up. After his shots, he was getting sick all the time at school. He continued to have fevers, clammy skin, and dark circles under his eyes. His behavior worsened and his progress he had made was rapidly regressing.

I can’t forgive myself for allowing the vaccines to take my son’s life. I will have to live every day with the knowledge that I gave permission for a doctor to poison my son’s immune system and brain. Some of you may experience that same guilt and as you know it tears you up every day. I see his face in a photograph and I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I had a choice. I hear his soft voice in a video and I want to tear my heart out because I thought I was doing the right thing.

Some people will tell you that it wasn’t your fault and that the doctor should have advised me of possible side effects. I now know that every aspect of your child’s health should be researched and scrutinized. Why didn’t I know this before?

For some of you reading this, you may have children who will be visiting their pediatrician for one of those “wellness” visits. I won’t tell you what to do or what not to do, but I urge you to do your own research. If you visit the resource page on this blog you will see many articles, videos, and testimonies regarding vaccinations and their harm to our children.

I can’t save my son, but my hope is that you’ll save yours.

Resources

Featured

Interview With the Vaxxed Team

 

I want to express how thankful I am to Polly and The Vaxxed Team for letting me tell Johnathan’s story. The work all of you do and the dedication to this cause shows in every story that would have otherwise been untold. You help grieving parents heal by providing them a platform to speak from their hearts.

We need to stop this injustice that’s harming and killing our children around the world. We need to join together and stand up for the littles ones who can’t tell their stories.

We need to ask the tough questions and we need to demand answers. What are you injecting into our children?

Featured

The Road Ahead

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by.”~Robert Frost
roads-diverging
This life didn’t turn out the way I intended. It seems I have been battling a war my entire adult life. The loss of my son is the most tragic example of a life with intentions not met. I will never see my son graduate high-school, wait for his beautiful bride at the end of the aisle, lovingly hold his children, or have him hold my hand as I leave this Earth (physically of course). I can’t change what has happened and that is the most difficult realization.
Every morning when I wake up a great sadness enters my thoughts as I remind myself again that it was not all a terrible dream. I get ready for my day of pretending that I am okay and that I can handle anything. I do it well as I walk into work and focus on the task at hand. Nobody knows but me that my mind is consumed with thoughts of my son. I see his face in every one I meet and I hear his voice in every song I hear. How am I doing people ask, and I reply that I am fine and doing better every day. This is a line I have taught myself to speak on command in order to keep my job and live this “life”.
I do find happiness in signs from Johnathan and his constant ethereal presence in my life keeps me going. We hold conversations in my heart where he placed himself when he left this world. He leaves me feathers in the cemetery, pennies in the treadmill at the gym, heart-shaped stones, and the color yellow decorates this world in a way I never noticed before. He speaks to me through others reminding me to be happy and that he is always with me.
Ever since Johnathan was born I had this plan that no matter what happens in life as long as I had him life held meaning and purpose. I used to say that no matter how many failed relationships I had, having my little boy with me was all that I needed because he would never leave me. Not once did the thought of him leaving before me ever enter my mind. Until it happens, a parent has no idea nor can they fathom the reality of the greatest loss ever experienced.
I had to accept that my son was no longer with me in the physical since and that I can’t bring him back to life. I had to choose the road less traveled and it was no longer optional. I had to push forward on that road even though many times I was crawling and bleeding on the path. How does one build on a future when they only live in the past? I have no answers.
The only way I know how to push ahead is to hold onto my faith in God and to let him carry me down this road when I am just about to give up. I am a warrior who uses knowledge as her weapons and love as her shield. All I have are the words in my heart and I will keep sharing them to keep my son alive.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled”…
Mother of Johnathan~Forever 4~
Featured

I Am Not Anti-Vaccination…BUT

If you search the internet you will find people on both sides of the vaccine debate. There are those who believe in following the strict CDC schedule of vaccinations and there are the 1% of the U.S. population who don’t vaccinate at all. I find myself teetering between the two extremes.

I would like to focus on vaccinations children receive from birth through 6 years old. This is perhaps the most delicate time of childhood development when a child is not immune to the deadly diseases that exist in this world. The premise of immunizations is that the antigen is injected into the body in order to help the body’s immune system recognize the foreign material. In a healthy immune system, the body can recognize that a foreign antibody has been let loose and the body fights off the threat.

So, what happens when a child has preexisting neurological conditions or a weakened immune system to begin with? I would like to use my son Johnathan as an example and I warn you it’s a graphic explanation. My son was born with brain anomalies which roughly translates into brain misfires. He had a sensory disorder and his brain could not fully fathom and comprehend loud noises, crowds, pain, social interaction, and other relatively normal every-day occurrences for you and I. There were times I would find my son unable to express himself verbally so he would bang his head on the floor. The only way that I could console him was to hold him tightly and tell him I love you until he calmed down. Johnathan had delays early on with fine motor skills, then speech, and most recently physical.

Children who suffer from neurological conditions like this have unique brains. Our brains have their own immune system and most of the time the cells that fight off infections to the brain remain dormant until they are under attack. In children like Johnathan these cells are not always dormant and can be active even during times of “healthiness”. The study of multiple vaccinations on children with preexisting neurological disorders is limited. Dr. Russell Blaylock has published quite a few articles on the effects of vaccinations on children through the eyes of a neurologist. You can read several of his articles within my resource page. At this point in time, children are not screened or assessed for their receptivity of multiple vaccinations within the widely followed Center for Disease Control’s Vaccination schedule.

I don’t fully blame the pediatricians because they are following the advice of their superiors, their universities, and supposed research completed by a government-funded entity backed by trillion dollar pharmaceutical companies. Doctors need to take a closer look at recognizing preexisting conditions which may impede the effectiveness of vaccinations or even cause further neurological damage or untimely death.

The few weeks before I lost my son he was seen at his pediatrician for his 4-Year wellness visit. He received the MMR, DTAP, and the flu shot simultaneously. The MMR contains three antigens for Measles, Mumps, and Rubella. These are three live antigens in one booster shot. The DTAP contains antigens diphtheria, tetanus, and whooping cough and is a dead vaccine. The flu shot is a single-shot dead antigen. After the MMR live shot was injected the antigens traveled to my son’s brain and there his brain wrestled the imposing threat. Along with the antigens, vaccinations contain additives to prolong the receptivity of the shot which the body would not normally come into contact with. These foreign substances release into the blood stream and the brain resulting in free radicals that wreak havoc throughout the body.

A few days later Johnathan developed a fever of 103 degrees. I was able to give him liquid Tylenol and cool compresses which relieved his fever. Other than his fever I didn’t notice any other signs or symptoms that were out of the ordinary. The night before Johnathan passed away he didn’t appear tired and he had tons of energy. He didn’t complain of pain and maintained a smile on his face.

He laid down on February 25, 2017 for a nap, had a grand mal seizure, and never awoke again. Upon the completion of his medical examination it was found that he had a bacterial infection within his brain and he tested positive for several fillers that vaccinations contain to increase shelf life. The examination resulted in an undetermined COD by an undetermined factor.

I am not a doctor. I am a mother with a Master’s Degree in Information Technology and I have been researching every night since my son died. I am not the type of person who will accept undetermined as an acceptable reason for my son’s passing. I refuse to let this go as I don’t want anybody else to lose their babies. Parents need to recognize the importance of single shot doses with a period of at least one month between shots. Pediatricians need to follow their instinct and not administer 7 vaccines at once because a child is on Medicaid or Child Health Plus. The bottom line is not a financial figure when it comes to the safety and lives of our children. Spread the word to everyone you know, I am not anti-vaccine…I AM FOR ONE SHOT AT A TIME.

 

**I have to make a side note to this story because I learned my son had more than seven shots, he had nine. I have his shot record in hand and I have to add 1 Polio shot and 1 Varicella shot. I am disgusted to learn it was more than I originally thought.

Featured

Our Great Loss-February 25, 2017

On this day I lost the love of my life. My son Johnathan will forever be 4-years-old. On the evening of February 25, 2017 he laid down for a nap and never awoke. He closed his eyes and I held in my arms unaware of the damage that had been going on inside him. I have created this page not only in his memory, but also to share with you the journey of Johnathan’s life. It is my hope that you will use the resources I provide to make an educated choice regarding a safe vaccination schedule for your own children.

I pray that no other families will suffer as we have from the loss of their child. This atrocity could have been prevented had I known that the CDC vaccination schedule is only recommended and does not have to be adhered to. If I had known that administering seven shots during one doctors visit could have caused this, I would not be writing this blog. Instead, I would be holding my little boy.

This is Johnathan’s Journey.

14695391_10154687957874433_9024542443537777650_n